it's the fuckin' Noid!
by Salvo1985
Summary: Lincoln bought a pizza, and decides to freshen up before he enjoy it. while he does, his kids come home and discovery the foods of the gods. at first they fight over it, just like their parents before them. but after agreeing to share it, seeing there is only four of them this time, all seems to work out well... until a forgotten creature from the 1980's rear his ugly head...


(Leela, Lamis, Lugosi loud are created by me salvo1985/TMNTFAN85 lester is created by flagg1991. to find out who they are go to deviant art and search tmntfan85 and just type the names and you'll see. or go to the abomination booru and search TMNTFAN85 to know what they look like. other than that, enjoy!)

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Lincoln came home and sighed tiredly. another day, another dollar. another episode of the shout house finished. sometimes it was a blessing and a curse. the fandom that followed were a bunch of perverts and freaks. not that he didn't draw his characters based on him and his sisters fucking. if they only knew... oh well.

he brought home papa john's pizza. not everyone liked it (cuz they're pizza hut fags) but he did. and he was gonna enjoy! he set it on the counter of his kitchen. and he paused and tab his chin and thought perhaps he should shower first. he took a moment to sniff his pit.

yup... he smelled like B.O. he sighed and shurged. he'll warm up the pizza if it got cold. with a turn of his heel he went up the stairs to the old bathroom... ya know, for being an animator you think he had the cash to build a second bathroom... but secretly...he's been wasting it on Amazing Legends ace savvy figures...

no sooner did he left for a shower, four kids came from the front door 'twas friday and they were beat. the weekend was gonna be sweet. for lamis, nothing like being with her siblings (and lester her maaaaaaaan *wink wink* ) were gonna have an awesome one. leela tossed the basket ball and pulled out a book. of mice and men and cracked open and sniffed the pages and shuddered in delight.

"john Steinbeck huh?"

Lester asked, leela nodded.

"i am branching out from harry potter, lord of the rings, and red wall"

Lester didn't always liked his siblings, but he was glad to see she wasn't an were illiterate retard. lugosi sniffed loudly. a habit he picked up from dad. ya see, in the the morning when he woke you could hear him sniff loudly. if the alarm clock didn't wake you, your dad's sniffling did. he walked into the kitchen to get a drink. lamis rushed to the collection of DVD's. and gazed in wide wander.

"so what should we watch? 90's tmnt, or the 2014-2016?"

leela grunted loudly.

"man it's always turtles with you, i swear you wanna fuck them"

lamis grinned like a perv.

"...that raph is unf."

leela cringed.

"freak."

Lester sighed and stood beside her.

"i'm not in the mood for your obsession... how about something the samrami spider-man films?"

lamis snorted.

"your a traitor to your superman obsession."

Lester made a face.

"i'm not a fanboy purest, lamis...i have a life."

lamis rolled her eyes.

"how about rampage, or shin Godzilla? uhh-Kong skull island?"

Lester tap his chin and actually considered that. leela suddenly spoke.

"how about lord of the rin-"

both lamis and lester said loudly-

"NO!"

Leea was shocked, but glared and muttered.

"faggots."

lamis hissed.

"you just wanna see that legulas elf"

leela shot back.

"at least he's an elf and not a steroid infused turtle."

lester grab a disk.

"how about this?"

he held the cover. titled Ralph bakshi's Fire & Ice.

"fire and ice? isn't that the Trojan condom we use?"

Lester glared at her.

"it's an animated film you dolt."

lamis glared and punched him in the arm.

"don't call me names, you fat sack of shit!"

leela cleared her throat.

"you guys act like an old married couple."

lester sighed and pinched the brim of his nose.

"Fire and Ice is a 1983 American epic high fantasy adventure film directed by Ralph Bakshi. The film, a collaboration between Bakshi and Frank Frazetta, it was made using the process of rotoscoping, in which scenes were shot in live action and then traced onto animation cels."

lamis wiggled her fingers.

"Oooooh! rotoscoping! fancy that!"

lester sniffed and gestured with a hand.

"when i was young father had me watching Ralph bakshi films, wizards, coonskin, american pop, heavy traffic."

lamis cringed.

"aren't those adult films?"

lester took the disk and walked to the DVD player.

"he didn't want me to grow up into a pussy and he..he has hopes i'd follow his dream as an animator..."

lamis blinked. then her eyes became shiny and brought her hands together and pressed it against her cheek.

"awwwwhhh! daddy loves you so much that he shares his passion with you!"

Lester shuddered.

"No, shut up."

leela looked from her book.

"then why are you picking that movie?"

lester turned the dvd player on.

"..i just happen to enjoy this one.. plus it's a fantasy film...surely you heard of the artist frank frazetta, haven't you?"

leela stared. lester looked at her with disgust.

"he's a famous cover artist...you uncultured swine.

leela gave him the finger-

"hey guys."

they all jumped, startled and turned to lugosi. they dunno how long he stood there. he was like lucy. but it seem he didn't want to interrupt the conversation unless it started to be bickering...in any case, there he was and he pointed at the kitchen door.

"dad brought papa johns."

they stared at lugosi, lester calmy place the cover on top of the dvd player, then bolted. leela jumped off the couch, and ran only to bump against lamis, both of them placing their hands on each other's face and shoving each other off, then ran to get a head. lugosi just simply followed.

once they were in the kitchen, they saw the glory of glories. papa john's pizza. they were drooling with hunger. someone's gut growled. pizza was fucking rare even if dad and mom made enough cash for everything. pizza was a special treat. and was treated as such.

"i got dips on the garlic butter."

leela said.

"fuck you, i do!"

lamis growled.

"go suck nerd cock, bitch"

lamis turned and snarled.

"cunt!"

"slut!"

"dyke!"

"fuck you i'm not!"

"bullshit, i saw you make out with aunt Lynn friend's Margo"

"she was drunk!"

"taking advantage of a drunk older woman...that's something dad would do."

Lester said, cutting off the two. both girls glared.

"dad would never do that!"

lamis hissed.

"yeah fuck face, what the hell!"

leela spat. all the while lugosi walked towards the box, leela noticed and tackled him

"uh-uh! that pizza's mine, with the sweet garlic butter with my name on it!"

lamis wrap her arms under leela and swung bending back pinned her.

lester leap over, only for lugosi to grab a leg and making him fall,, lester growled as his chin hit the tile floor

"AGH! FUCK!"

Lester covered his mouth and felt something warm over his palm, lamis gasped and let go of leela and got to her feet, rushing at lester's side.

"what did you do you lil shit!"

lugosi got to his feet and tried to get the box, but she grab him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him back and making him fall on his ass.

"time out!"

she yelled out. then slowly remove lester's hand.

"I'm fine..."

lester's buttom lips was bleeding she grab his face firm and looked.

"you have a small cut.."

she guide him to the sink.

"i said i'm fine, stop fussin!"

lamis grab a clean cloth and wet it in cold water and clean the cut. it still bled a little.

"add pressure to make it stop bleeding."

lester sighed. lamis turned and looked at leela and lugosi who stood there.

"i refuse to become a savage like last time. we're repeating a vicious cycle"

she said as she looked at them, then at the pizza.

"this is a large pizza, correct?"

they nodded.

"and a large is eight slices to ten and seeing that we're four this time, we can have two slices each"

lugosi then pointed out-

"if it's ten, two extra slices. how do we deal with that?"

lester muttered an answer-

"we might get full... if not the two slices can be slit in half, then we can have four and share."

they all seem to nod in agreement. like a diplomatic group. for once, they didn't act like a savage third world country. leela then spoke-

"thats all well and good, there's one glaring problem"

they turned their heads. then she dramatically pointed towards the glorious food of foods.

"it's the fuckin' Noid!"

they turned their heads and true to her word, there he was, the red suit bunny eared demented creature known as the dominos noid. he stood over their dinner with a menacing glee, ready to fuck up their pizza for his own sick pleasure. fear filled their young hearts.

"oh shit, it is the noid!"

Lamis shouted! the little bastard rubbed his hands together, eyes narrowed and placed his hands on the box. his eyes turned into sharp slits, eyes shifting side to side. then let out a giggle of malice intent!

"the hell he's doing here?"

lugosi asked.

"hasn't he been out of obscurity since 95, ever since Kenneth Lamar Noid killed himself after he thought domino's was personally attacking him with the pizza mascot?"

the three siblings stared at lugosi. he stared back and raised his hands.

"no one here heard about Kenneth.. a mentally ill man, held up two employees at an Atlanta domino's?"

they shook their heads.

"he held them for five hours, he forced them to make a special pizza, and salad, demanded 1000,00 and a get a away transport, and a copy of window's son?"

he face palm.

"he's basically the reason why the noid isn't in dominoes advertisements."

Leela jerked a finger forward.

"who gives a shit! he's got the garlic butter!"

they stood still, the bastard cackled and pointed at the garlic butter. he slowly peeled it open. his eyes dart from the butter, then at them. leela moved forward, and he held the container up. and waved a finger side to side.

"ah-ah-ahh..."

he grinned, his buck teeth gleam against the light.

"oh, god, no someone stop him"

Lester pulled out a firearm and held it to the noid, the noid gasped and was ready to move.

"Lester, no! the garlic butter!"

"...the garlic butter isn't important...it's the pizza..."

leela shrieked.

"fuck that! it's the only thing that makes the pizza taste so awesome!"

the noid begin to jump on the pizza box., taunting lester. lester took the shot. the noid hop away just in time and dodged. the bullety ripped against the cupboard . the noid tossed the garlic butter hitting Lester in the face. lester growled. leela cried out in horror!

"NOOOO!"

She got to her knees and mourn the loss of the papa john's garlic butter, as it drip on the floor. she bend over and begin licking it off, sobbing between licks. lamis made a disgusted face. lester kept a close eye on the noid. the noid was laughing and pulling his bunny ears. then paused, and pulled out a hammer. then looked at the pizza. then at lester, then gave him a shit eating grin.

"don't you dare..."

the noid rubbed his crotch and held two fingers shape as a V and flicked his tongue.

"...i think the noid just said your a pussy and that he's gonna eat you out."

lugosi said. lester grind his teeth and begin firing his gun. but the noid leap away shot after shot he dodged, the wall was littered with bullet holes.

"STOP IT YOU MORON!"

lamis roared.

"your making a mess!"

we want to get rid of it don't we?!"

"yes but don't be toting your magnum like it's you're dick!"

"awh shut the fuck up!"

lamis socked lester on the shoulder multible times.

"DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

the noid seem to take glee in this, he was on his knees rubbing his crotch on the box.

"guys, stop it, the noid is on the pizza"

the noid open the box slowly and held the hammer. he wiggled his eye ridges and licked his buck tooth. the kids stood in a stand still. lester pulled the gun and pulled the trigger. but it was out of bullets. the noid sniff the pizza and gaged and coughed like he smelled shit.

"that bastard loves to ruin pizza..."

lugosi muttered. the noid chuckled deep in his throat, then swiftly raised the hammer but lester tossed the empty gun straight and true and nailed the noid in the forehead. a thick sound of metal cracking against flesh and bone was heard followed by the noid's grunt as he fell back. lugosi moved quick and grab and closed the pizza box and rushed back to their side. leela got off the floor and carefully walked towards the noid.

"careful, leela!"

lamis said fearfully. leela peered over the noid.

"...the guy looks like aunt luan in a red bunny suit..."

lugosi snorted and laughed. lester swatted him over the head, and glared. leela could see the noid's forehead bled she poked him in the cheek.

"i guess he's dea-"

suddenly the noid leap on her and grab her by the back of her head, feet planted on her shoulders and started humping her face. he bit his lower teeth and his eyes rolled back. leela muffled a scream, as she stepped back. the kids were panicing and didn't know what to do, as they watched in horror as the noid violated something other than pizza- a child's innocence.

suddenly his ears were grabbed and he was yanked off. leela gasped for breath but could smell the musky smell of the noid's crotch. she coughed and fell on her kneels and vomited it. lamis, lester, and lugosi turned to see their father pinning the noid against the wall, punching the noid in the face.

"come to my house"

punch.

"and fuck with MY pizza"

punch.

"and face fuck my daughter."

punch.

"mother fuckin' noid!"

he threw punches harder and harder. til the noid developed a nose bled, a bruise on his lip and left eye. then the punches were directed to his forehead, over, and over again. the kids just watch their dad's backside.

they heard the thick sound of knuckles against skin. followed by the noid's moans of pain. his feet raised up with each punch. lamis lean against lester and gulp. lester's expression was stone cold. and lugosi watched with facination. and leela was trying not to puke.

they heard one final punch and bone cracking. the noid went limp and lincoln let him drop. he was panting and sweating a little. his muscular arms dropped. their eyes fell on his right fist, painted in noid blood.

"...there goes my hero"

lester whispered. lamis looked at her brother-boyfriend, and smiled. lester noticed this and blushed and his eyes drop to the floor.

"...i'm sorry i said shut the fuck up, i was-"

she place a finger in his lips. she stared with a wide smile. lester relaxed, she replace her finger with her lips in a small peck. lester breathed in and closed his eyes.

"...awh shit look at this mess..."

the kids looked around. walls with bullet holes, puke on the floor, and a dead noid on the ground, skull cracked open, brain matter leaking out. as it laid in a pool of it's own blood.

"your all cleaning this up."

they protested. but he held up a finger.

"clean the puke, the the blood"

he gestured to the noid.

"toss him into the garbage. we'll deal with those bullet holes later...oh, and one more thing"

he grab the pizza box.

"mine."

he turned and left the kitchen with the prize. leaving them with slack jawed mouths.

"i can see why you hate dad lester." lamis said.

"he's an asshole." lester muttered.

"greedy" lugosi muttered.

leela wipe her mouth.

"...dad is such a fucking cunt." leela growled.

"I HEARD ALL THAT!"

They all stiffen.

"you kids hurry or i won't share this pizza. get to it! chop chop!"

the kids stared at each other, the scrambled to clean up the mess...after all... pizza is worth everything, even cleaning up puke and the bloody corpse of the noid.

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THE END.


End file.
